Why are many people unable to achieve effective communication? Actually, there is a very important point: you are expressing your feelings, but the other person thinks you are accusing them. In psychology, this is called defensive listening. The other person is not unable to understand what you are saying, but they are constantly in a high-alert self-protection mode. They automatically interpret all expressions related to negative emotions as attacks or negations against them. So a common situation is that you just want to be understood, but they are already prepared to attack or defend themselves. You want to solve the problem with them, but they feel like you are picking a fight, so you simply cannot engage in effective dialogue.

Why does this defensive listening occur? Most likely, it stems from early childhood, when one often had to face caregivers' unreasonable negative emotions. For example, even if they did nothing wrong, the parents might still give them a cold look or display inexplicable emotional instability. As a result, they perceive others' negative emotions as a danger signal. They automatically attribute others' negative emotions to themselves, habitually engage in self-denial, and then use anger and attack to defend their boundaries. Defense is a gentle reminder that effective communication requires both parties to be willing to make concessions, and for both to be able to distinguish past experiences from the current relationship, temporarily setting aside defenses during communication.